Uncyclopedia's View on Chess

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“You know, I invented chess”

~ Gene Simmons

“In Soviet Russia, chess pwns YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Chess

“Would you like to play chess with me?”

~ Chess on getting you to play chess

Chess is a game played with small figurines ~~and dice~~ in dark cellars by people who were rejected by their school's other clubs.

Photo of chess pieces taken at a party where the king drank about nine shots of Jäger (he lost count) and passed out.

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This week's thriller between Hawthorn and St Kilda. Unlike the football match, there are no instant replays.

[hide]

[edit] History

The famous ending to Fischer — Deep Jew (1991, Volgograd, USSR). Fischer, infuriated at allowing his opponent to claim the $100,000 prize, would later issue a public apology for losing to a Jew.

Chess is an ancient game of strategy. You move pieces of penis an' towers an' other stuffs especially the two main sex mates - the King and the Queen. Not to be confused with Checkers, a game known for being much less fun than Chess. The game was a popular pastime for centuries among prisoners, each of whom sought to topple their king the fastest. However, the game was barely known among the middle and upper classes before Bobby Fischer's singlehanded efforts to popularize the game in the mid-20th century, climaxing in 1972 when he convinced Boris Spassky to make chess the official game of Russia despite fierce opposition from covert and well-funded Jewish lobbyists.

The game's name is widely held to be a derivation of "chest", according to cunning linguists, historians and archaeologists, who agree that the first games were played on diagrams carved on the chests of dead bodies. These bodies came to be referred to as "boards" for their stiffness. The smell and possible maggots might have made the game unpleasant. A small minority argue that such a practice would likely have been illegal in ancient times, though mainstream scholars point out that this hypothesis fails to explain why the game enjoyed such great popularity among criminals.

Having traditionally been popular among the lower classes and the less educated, the game has acquired several French terms over time, the most well known of which is "checkmate", derived from "j'ec matte", meaning "I grope you" or "you have been groped". This may refer to an endgame ritual of which French historian Tacitus IV wrote:

"A victor having been established by fair processes, that person does henceforth receive the liberty of fondling the hidden parts of the vanquished, who may at appropriate times reposition himself, saying 'I adjust', and who, when sufficient time is deemed to have elapsed, may demand that the victor desist forthwith, at which point the vanquished assumes the role of the victor, and vice versa, and so on."

French players have received widespread acclaim for refining the act of mating and for discovering hundreds of previously unknown checkmate positions.

More recently, the silicon-based Deep Fritz invented a novel checkmating pattern so effective and efficient that it annihilated a World Chess Champion, Vladimir Kramnik, who was generous enough to allow the shallow Deep Fritz to execute the checkmate 35.Qh7. [1]. Computers pwn humans at chess all the time. Therefore Michael Phelps should pwn at chess since he was created by Oppenheimer. Right? Right guys? I pwn you n00bs. I secretly celebrate 13:37.

[edit] Chess Rules

The White Queen said, "You mothafucka! You've been having sex with other women!

Chess is played by two people. They sit opposite each other with a board between them that has a bunch of pieces on it. The object of the game is to make your pieces eat your opponent's pieces, eventually isolating your opponent's king and forcing him to bend over. These pieces move in confusing ways, and not many people know how they move. Each player takes his or her turn, moving pieces until one of two conditions is satisfied. Either a player clearly defeats his opponent or both sides decide that they are too bored to continue playing, and so agree to draw.

When first made, chess games would end before they started, but the King of England decided that the game was too short, as such he introduced a rule that all chess players must think about their next turn until the opponent shows signs of extreme annoyance, and then wait for ten minutes more. If the player makes a move before the opponent is annoyed, he is to be squirted upon by a lemon.

These are the modern revised rules.

Here are some rules from 'Ye Olde RuelBooke ov Cheese'

White players always start because they are racist
No playere maye urinate upon the piecies ov the bored
All platypusses are to bee removed fromme the playing field before thine full moon.
Correcte grammere and speeling muste be used by all players, on pain of a very unpleasante wicker chair.
Patrick Kennedy is kept well away from all the pawns.

FIDE Official Tournament Rules include:

White first rule: White always goes first. This rule can be traced back to the time of slavery when the white pieces were allowed fifty moves before the black pieces were allowed to move. Note that there were very few good black players to arise out of this period of chess.
The fifty move rule: if fifty consecutive moves involving pawn(s) or knights are made then the game is immediately censored and declared a draw.
The Touch-Move rule: if a player attempts to molest their opponent they must immediately move out of the playing area.
Players are not allowed to make up their own rules: this rule does not apply to me, but it does apply to that chess club geek who keeps insisting that 'castling' and 'en passant' are actual rules and perfectly legal during games.
'J'adoube': 'I adjust' - an exception to the 'Touch-move' rule, if a player purrs at another player in French, they may molest them without penalty.
Before making each move, a player must always have an agonizing look on his/her face
Warm legs rule: The socks of both players must be at least knee high.
Both players must wear a 'chess helmet' certified by FIDE. (Repealed in 1994 when players realized that regular chess was actually a harmless game and helmets only need be worn for more violent chess variations such as the 'Drunken Bishop Throwing' or 'Exploding Pawn' versions of the game).
It is strictly forbidden to discuss horse-queen relationships, even hypothetically.

As the name of the section says, Chess rules.

[edit] The Pieces

Police mugshot of the bishop after being arrested for sexually assaulting a ten-year-old pawn.

King - The King is the most important piece on the board. It is also the slowest and is commonly believed to be the least useful piece as well. The King can only move one space in any direction except in special circumstances when I am playing, he may be able to jump over a wall of pawns to conveniently avoid checkmate, or fly around the board and knock down all the opposing pieces just when it appears all hope is lost. Because you know, he's King. And it's good to be the King. The King of Kings. Hail to the King baby.
Queen - The Queen does as she's bloody well told, if she knows what's good for her. She is also widely regarded as the game's sex symbol.
Pawn - Often seen as weak, but the large number also has many see them as annoying. They ar the homeless of the chess board and are in line waiting for food. As the game progresses they beg the other side for spare change but are often raped or beheaded instead.
Bishop - The original 'playa' of the chess world. Bishops are known for their Savoir Faire and ability to make Queens undress when they get them alone. Bishops move only through other dimensions. The black Bishop is based on the Marvel comics character of the same name while the white Bishop is based on an ecclesiastical rank. Coincident, isn't it?
Knight - They're just odd. They move ... well, they're freaks. And they're shaped like horses. Honestly, I think the inventors just had an extra space and just thought decided upon a 'magid horse'. One of the knights' favoured activities during a game is to jump over the opposing king during the game. So if there's a knight on e4 and a king on e5, the knight will jump over the much taller king to f6 or d6. Illogical, is it not?
Rook - The bouncer of the board. If you can get two of these on the 7th rank, they become "Blind Pigs" and devour all the opponent's pieces on that rank.

[edit] Chess Strategies

James Bond demonstrates the strategy named after him.

Although it has recently been proven that chess does not require much strategy or skill, there were a few cultures in history that strongly believed otherwise. Here are some of the strategies that they thought used to work:

Grob Attack - Grab all your opponents pieces and attack him with them. The mis-spelling "Grob" comes from an idiot who thought it was "Grope". Over time, the name modified to Grop, then Grob.
Trompowsky Attack - Tromp around the table, then get a cannon and POW your opponent flys into the sky. Be sure to get earplugs.
King's Gambit - Sacrifice your King in order to gain an advantage in development. This bears no resemblance to the more successful King's Pawn Gambit.
King's pawn gambit - Sacrifice your King's pawn in order to gain an advantage somehow. Not to be confused with the even more successful King's bishop pawn gambit.
King's bishop pawn gambit - Nobody cares.
Sicilian Defense - Cover your pieces with a pile of long pasta noodles. Sauce is optional, but can add to effectiveness of the defense. Large slices of garlic bread go in front to form an impenetrable wall. This is exactly how the Sicilians defended their homeland in 1944 when they were attacked by Hitler and his Germans.
Najdorf - Memorize 35 moves of opening theory, and then lose the game in 23 moves after your opponent plays the Sveshnikov, which you forgot to memorize. And yes, it really is pronounced "Nye-dorf".
Hyper-Accelerated Dragon - Ritual-summons a Lvl 90 Dragon to aid you. Casting time is 0.01 seconds. Common practice is to keep the ashes of the chess board and former opposition.
French Defense - Where you automatically surrender after your opponent's first move.
Fried Liver Attack - Not surprisingly and rather self-explanatorily, this move involves hurling fried liver at the opponent. Highly effective because it usually causes the opponent to head off to the washroom immediately, causing you to win on time. Best reply is considered the Oxyclean Countergambit.
Caro-Kann Defense - Invented by Eugene Caro-Kann to deflect spitballs shot at the players during the time of play. This used to be a large issue in chess clubs across the world when jocks from the football team would come to watch their matches and make fun of them. Caro-Kann was the first to fix a large cone on top of his head that covered his face but still allowed him to see the pieces on the board. While effective for repelling spit-balls, the Caro-Kann defense decreased in popularity when the jocks started to grab large plastic rings and play 'ring the chess player' from the bleachers.
Spanish Game - Where White checks to make sure Black is Jewish, then persecutes him mercilessly.
Queen's Gambit Declined. A lullaby opening, to lull your opponent to sleep. A very dangerous strategy, since you may fall asleep too.
Bra Gambit - Usually played before arriving at the tournament hall by young ladies with attributes admired by shallow men. It is a very effective strategy for affecting the opponents concentration throughout the game.
James Bond Defense - An extremely effective maneuver which involves, after losing the game, pointing a gun at your opponent's face and forcing him or her to declare you the winner.
Cold Shoulder - An extremely effective and annoying maneuver which involves doing absolutely nothing during your turn until your opponent gets fed up and leaves, automatically making you the winner. However, if you are playing with a chess clock (not to be confused with a cuckoo clock), you will lose on time.
R2-D2 & C3PO strategy - Let the wookie win.
Wookiee strategy - Using bare hands (opponent's) to demonstrate the opponent why he cannot move.
Russian Reversal - With a cry of "In Soviet Russia, mate checks YOU!!", the board is abruptly spun through 180 degrees, and players must complete the game with the other players pieces. Only defense is the Opposite Day Defense. This strategy has been used by Russians for many years and remains the reason why they dominate the Chess world.
The Donkey Punch - Used primarily by Vikings, Spider-Man and Bill Gates, the player phones a local Animal Rights group and tells them their opponent has just punched a donkey in the face. A member of said animal rights group then comes over to the table and stabs the opponent to death with a Bishop.
Communist Strategy - A highly controversial chess strategy whereby, after facing checkmate, you declare your kingdom to undergo a revolutionary transformation in a communist paradise where pawns rule themselves in a spirit of equality and brotherhood, and therefore could move in whatever way they wanted, making them deadly. Persecution of bishops ('clergy') and knights ('bourgeoises') usually follows. You must take your own king off the board and replace it with a grand soviet committee, though.
Capitalist Strategy - A commonly used chess strategy. Bribe your opponent to give up the game automatically. If you do not have the money enough to do this, try purchasing the opponent's most crucial pieces. Often this will result in the opponent's kingdom to go into democratic reform and split into several factions. Liberty prevails!
Fake Grandmaster - Enter the game under the pretension of being a world-renowned chess master. Every time your opponent attempts a move that places one of your pieces in danger, calmly inform him that the move is illegal. This technique works best if you wear a pair of glasses, dye your hair gray, and smoke a pipe.
The Spartan Defense - Instead of placing all your captured pieces to the side, mount them up in a large pile in the most dangerous section of the board. When you are attacked, shout "Spartans, PUSSSH!" and knock the pile over in an attempt to surprise your opponent.
Kamikaze - A quick tactic, scream "kamikaze!" before the match has even started and set off a nearby nuclear bomb, killing you and the opposition,stopping him from ever beating you in the match. It also stops people knowing about what you did.
Jedi Mind Trick - Wave your hand like a jedi and say "you will let me win this chess game. If your opponent begins to protest, shout "Just repeat after me!"
Russian Defence - When almost all your pieces are lost, declare that winter has come and freeze all the opponent's pieces to the board using liquid nitrogen. Effective only when you are Russian and the opponent is French or German.
Lumberjack Defence - As your opponent begins his first move, trigger a massive log to come hurtling from the rafters right into the opponent, sending them flying mercilessly to India. (Or, if you are already in India, another part of India.)
Knocking All The Pieces Off The Board And Spitting In Your Opponent's Face - Works every time.
Pop-Up Tactic - Create hundreds of pop-ups in front of your opponent's face, and as they close them all, using CTRL+ALT+DEL move your players to surround their king. Once they have cleared the pop-ups away, kill the King. (NOTE: Does not work if opponent has Norton Anti-Virus in their veins.)
To put it bluntly - Punch the opponent with all your might (or just use a heavy blunt object) in the head. Make sure it results in a concussion. Move the pieces however you feel necessary, so when the opponent wakes up they have no Idea how you are strategically one move away from a checkmate. Then put them into checkmate. Don't screw it up.
Grue Defence - Sends a grue at the other opponent, killing him and making you the winner. Just make sure you have something that kills the grue before it eats you.
Autobots, Transform and Rollout - All of your pieces transfrom into one giant piece. Then rollout.
Potter Defense - Send an Avada Kevadra at the King.
1337 H4x0rz tactic - use 1337 H4x to morph all of your pieces into queens with invulnerability and teleportation abilities.
shoop da whoop tactic - fire ur lazor at the king (note, will not work unless you first charge your lazer whilst shouting IMA CHARGIN MA LAZOR!! and follow up by firing it with a cry of either IMA FIRIN MA LAZOR!! or Shoop da Whoop!.
Blue Screen of Death - Use a keyboard to hack into your opponents side of the board and blue screen with a system failure message will appear in front of his face, this will cause his system to crash and you automatically win.
Sticky Defense - Before the match, insist on bringing all the pieces. Make you sure you arrive to the match very sweaty, then promptly remove all the pieces from your underwear and place them on the board. Then lick your fingers and adjust all the pieces with fresh saliva on them. If this is done correctly, your opponent will vomit after moving his first pawn. However level five stench immunity can half the damage to gagging.
European invasion - Be white. Show up with more pieces then black. Black pieces that are taken are instead turned into pieces that serve without pay the white pieces. If the game lasts more then 300 years all the slave pieces become black again.
Slurping Tea from the Saucer Attack - A fashionable strategy in Indonesia; by noisily slurping tea from a saucer, the opponent will become distracted and find it more difficult to concentrate on the game. However, this strategy can backfire, particularly if you spill the tea on the chess board.
USA attack - Discover that inside your opponent’s territory, he has a lot of oil, accuse him of being a terrorist and invade him even without the worldwide consent..
Israel attack - Try to explain that your opponent’s king belongs to you because God gave it to you some centuries ago, and if he doesn’t want to surrender, use your tanks even if he has only stones to throw at you.
Palestinian attack - Sacrifice all your pieces for the sake of winning one of your opponent's pawns, and refuse any draw offers until no pieces remain on the board.
Mao Ze Dong tactic - Take a Great Leap Forward, hit the opponent with tons of iron bars and deny yourself of food, causing the opponent to laugh at you uncontrollably and die due to cardiac arrest. Oh, and expect to earn lots of money!
Phoenix Wright Tactic -Stand up and yell "Objection!" every time your oppoment does anything. Alternatively, slam your hands down on the ~~desk~~ board, causing all the pieces to fly everywhere.
Salem Defense- Stand up and yell "S/he's a witch!" if you are losing, causing a mob of people in medival clothing to burst into the room and burn your oppoment at the stake.
Scottish Defense- threaten to force-feed your oppoment haggis if they do not surrender immediately.
Oh Sod it Tactic - Lose all of your pieces in a very stupid way and genarely annoy the person that you are playing. (See Palestinian attack)
The Spanish Inquisition - Repeatedly question your opponent about anything you can think of. After a while your highly irritated opponent will shout "I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!", which is when Cardinals Ximénez, Biggles and Fang burst in to the room at the sound of a jarring chord. Ximénes will then shout "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!", and proceeds to torture the opponent. You win.
The Aussie Maneuver - Must be white. Declare the opponent’s territory uninhabited. Move all pieces into your opponent’s territory and assimilate all of his pawns into your culture without his consent.

The Stake Out Defence- Also known as the waiting game. Or the game of enternal stupidity. Or the Constant repetition opening. Or the Stall tactic. Or the Time-Wasting moves. If you got bored reading this section then the Stake Out Defence would beat you.

[edit] Chess Openings

Karo-Can't Defense - whatever you do against this particular opponent, you always lose.

Boungcloud Attack - The best opening ever. Performed by advancing the king's pawn 2 spaces followed by bringing the king out immediately. This is very powerful because a strong, centralized king is the key to victory. As proven in the movie "Idiocracy"... Good Movie. Certainly better then playing chess. Or reading the rest of this page.

[edit] Chess Tactics

Castling - taking one's pieces and relocating to a nearby castle so that one is completely safe and can chortle at one's opponent as they try to assault one's impenetrable fortress. This tactic was made poular in 1922 by Sir Noel Coward, an English actor and the founder of Cowardism.
Fork - positioning a piece such that it attacks two of the opponent's pieces at once, then closing one's eyes and reciting, "eenie, meenie, miney, moe...", before attacking one of the pieces with cutlery. Being a 'bishop forker' is generally regarded as unchristian play and is illegal in North America and some parts of Europe.
Pin - spinning oneself around while blindfolded, then attempting to attach a tail to an opposing piece designated as "the donkey."
Skewer - thrusting a lance across the chess board and impaling one's opponent. Note: May result in the filing of criminal charges.
Discovered Attack - searching the room for seemingly innocuous objects which can be fashioned into simple machines or weapons for use in the game. This tactic was invented by members of The A-Team but honed to perfection by the Scottish Grandmaster Angus MacGyver. MacGyver advised players to be prepared for the discovered attack: "A real chess player always has a Swiss army knife and duct tape at hand."
Stalemate - When the guy you are screwing under the table becomes stale or unwanted. This is used to ease the bordom.
Checkmate - A way of telling the enemy king "I checked you out baby, let's mate". Usually delivered by the Queen, it can also be delivered by Rooks, Knights (bestiality), pawns & bishops (blasphemy).
Double Check - pushing an opponent against the boards and body slamming said opponent twice. May result in boarding and/or cross-checking penalties.
Zwischenzug - Neither player can move without getting royally screwed over by pawns. Not to be confused with Zugzwang, in which one player wants to stay still, but momma's calling so he's gotta go.
Spartan Fury - On the player's 300th move of the game (miscounts are subject to flogging), they may elect to place as many as 300 pawns on the board creating an impassible wall for their opponent. The only known countermove for this offensive strategy is complex and involves the use of a mishapen playing piece, not often readily available.
Cheating - This is supposedly the first tactic to have been invented in chess. It may win you a few games, but honesty and integrity while playing will get you further.
X-Ray - Use an X-Ray to indirectly defend your pieces through your opponent's pieces.

Impregnation - Let's not go there.

[edit] Chess's Real Meaning

As common knowledge states, chess is a synonym for sexual intercorse. just ask chess grandmaster Bob Saget or Jessica P, so. If a man walks up to you asking you to go back to his place and "play a game of chess," give him what he has coming: a swift kick in the balls. Dark Jesus approves this message. Though some think chess is all about scoring chicks. one of the most famous books is "how to score in chess"

[edit] Chess Variants

The starting position of Nazi Chess.

Various variants of chess have been created, largely because the game can often get really boring and some rules weren't good enough. Examples are as follows:

Bumblesnap Chess
Aztec Chess
Wesnoth
Gangsta Chess
Chess club
Nazi Chess
Wizard's Chess
Atomic Chess
Crazyhouse
Counter Strike
UnChess

[edit] Chess Philosophy

Chess is viewed by some as a workout. Moving your fingers to and fro, up and down the chessboard, is believed to use massive quantities of mental energy.

Chess, in some opinions, is a game about 1.e4 2.e5. However this has been disputed as just moves of a cereal killer. Others view chess as a philosophy. They see that chess dives in the realms of psycology, meta-physics, cheese and pure intelligence. These ideologies have been classified as extinct by chess players of the modern era, yet do still linger on in the minds of some n00bs.

Compared to Martial Arts, chess is a highly brutal way of crushing your opponents mind. Quote of a man "The best way to make sure to win a chess game is to pick up the board and "mate" him by wacking his head with it.

In chess, size matters.

[edit] Grandmasters

The title Grandmaster is awarded to world-class chess masters by the Professional Association of Weaklings and Nerds (PAWN). The chairman of PAWN is known as the Grand Dragon, or "Master of Grandmasters." The Grand Dragon bestows the title of Grandmaster upon worthy players in a ceremony which reportedly involves the burning of a Christian cross.

[edit] International Master

An internationally recognised title offered by FIDE (Fédération Internationale des Échecs). Not only do you have to be a sufficiently skilled chess player to get the title, you also have to pay money.

[edit] FIDE Master

Another title offered by FIDE. Not quite as stupendous as the Grandmaster and International Master titles, but still quite useful.

[edit] Candidate Master

Yet another one of FIDE's titles. Unlike the three above, however, this one was invented solely to make money for FIDE.

[edit] Women's Titles

Women's titles are also offered for skilled female chess players; these are WGM, WIM, WFM and WCM. Chess is considered to be a male-dominated sport, which is why FIDE offers female titles to encourage more women to play chess. Also, the pieces in men's games can be pretty heavy and rough, so the women's tournaments use lighter and well lubricated pieces. Female, unlike male chess players, are allowed to dress pretty casually while playing in tournaments.

[edit] Chess Ratings

Chess ratings are the main indicator as to what your playing strength is based on your last rated games. If you beat GM Kasparov in a rated match, you can expect to gain a number of rating points. But if you lose to the mug next door in a rated game, you can expect to lose a lot of rating points.

The current world rankings (excluding Garry Kasparov, Chuck Norris, and Sweet Jesus) are:

1. Vishy Anand (current FIDE Champion; preparing to become World Champion. Previously a failed cricket player).

2. Magnus Carlsen (only 17 years old and already the Norwegian chess God).

3. Vassily Ivanchuk (has mild autism, which contributes to his chess genius).

4. Alexander Morozevich (voted the best-looking male at the 2006 Turin Olympiad. Picture Orland Bloom, but Russian and over a chessboard).

5. Veselin Topalov (the guy who organised Toiletgate in the Elista 2006 match).

6. Vladimir Kramnik (quit smoking in 2000 and recovered from drawitis ((agreeing too many quick draws)) in 2007).

7. Peter Leko (Hungary's top chess player, who also recovered from drawitis in 2002. He has the killer instinct of a chocolate eclaire).

8. Teimour Radjabov (quoted as saying "We all hate Armenians" in a 2007 interview. Beat Kasparov at only 15 years of age {Kasparov hired Chuck Norris for an undisclosed purpose regarding this defeat: Radjabov may be a genetically engineered autobot clone, now}).

9. Shakhriyar Mamedyarov (Azerbaijan's no.2 chess player. He has no chess future until he changes his first name to Shaq).

10. Alexey Shirov (Latvian-born chess player who emigrated to Spain. Nearly won the FIDE Chess Championships in 2000 and 2007, but was prevented from doing so by an Indian and an American).

11. Levon Aronian (Armenian sporting hero who won the Wijk Aan Zee super-tournament in 2007 and 2008. He eats Habanero peppers for frickin' fun).

12. Hitler - No, he didn't die at the end of WWII. He still loses to the Russians though.

Note: This order will probably change in the next few weeks. See [2] for the most recent ratings.